When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
