Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
