Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
