Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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