We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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