Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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