Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
