the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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