Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
