You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
