Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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