Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
