Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
