I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
