Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
