your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
