Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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