My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
