i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
