dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
