Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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