break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
