I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
