I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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