did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
