If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
