shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
