So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
