Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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