So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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