your parents love me but you hate me
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Randomize
