Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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