this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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