I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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