this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
