btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
