i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
