My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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