I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We have started to decorate penises.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
