I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
