I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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