My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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