my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
