There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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