I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
