Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
