so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So vagazzling was a success
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
