i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
