tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
