he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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