9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
