i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
