I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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