oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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