if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
