i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
