so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
