I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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