There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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